she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
