I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
