If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
