Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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