I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
