So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
