please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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