Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
