I wish my penis had an off switch
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
