gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
party gras won. party gras always wins.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
