I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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