i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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