When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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