Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
