I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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