Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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