pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm just crazy horny about you
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I came so hard my ears popped.
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