today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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