You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
