I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
