You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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