I will die if light touches me.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
