My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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