Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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