Farmville is her only friend.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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