I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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