Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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