Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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