I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
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My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
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STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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