my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
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