I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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