member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Randomize
