At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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