someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
