It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
