it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
