remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
