dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
