So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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