Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
