The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left