I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future