i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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