ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
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Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
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I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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