The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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