walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
