Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
