pop tarts are not kleenex
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
