Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
