Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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