Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
so much tequila, so little girl.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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