Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
