how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
